The only place I divulge my darkest secrets to. Just myself really.

This time I wanted to say that I’m tired of “getting over” things. The truth is I miss him terribly. I’ve heard the lectures, I’ve seen the looks and I just want to flip you all off.

Maybe it’s made up, maybe our “love” only played out in my head and maybe I’m living in the worst kind of denial. But those little moments that I may have read too much into. The way my hands fit in his since day 1. The way he kissed and the way he smelled.

Why can’t love just be a single frozen moment? Why can’t it all work out when we’re curved perfectly together in each other’s arms?

Why does it have to be so damn fucking hard? And why can’t I ever get it right?

That’s all I want.

One more illusion of being in love.

One more dependency, one more hope, one more disappointment.

I don’t know how you went from no one to someone. I remember meeting you the first time and not even thinking of anything more than that. All you did was lie around and talk to the people you know.

So how did that turn into me cuddling in your arms? How did that insignificant encounter turn into torturous days for me, constantly thinking of you and wondering of the things you’re doing? How did that turn into falling so deeply for your blue eyes and every touch you lay on my skin?

We never were; will never be.

My little zipped pouch holds my passport and a multitude of boarding passes collected from all my trips to and from America. Somehow, I feel a little sad to throw them away. It’s as if each and every one them has a story to tell. As if, each flight I take has a different experience and feel to it.

To certain extents, yes.

When was first heading out earlier this summer, I was pumped. I could feel the excitement rush under my skin and in my blood. My heart was swollen with happiness and this surreal feeling of escapism. As if I had finally broken free from the chains that I was bound to.

Now, tonight, I sit with no other sounds but the music that’s playing from my earphones. My body is worn out and I am tired. I did not brush my teeth and neither have I changed. My hair is limp with oil and my nose is dry from all the air I have had to breathe throughout the 20 hour journey. And all I can think of right now is jumping into the arms of my family and falling asleep on the ride home.

Home? What does that even mean for me? Some days I wake up in my own bed convinced I had been kidnapped to a foreign land and that the blue shaded walls of my room were like the bars to my cell. I do not know where home is for me.

When we drove down the road heading into the Black Hills, I felt like I was home. Like the trees that sprout from the ground and the hills that curve along were apart of me. And as I stepped into the hallways of the dorms and inhaled that old musty smell of the carpets, I felt some sense of familiarity.

Custer was home. Apart of me will forever be buried with the town.

And then there was you and the way I fit perfectly in your arms. The way you nuzzled my neck with your stubble that sent chills down the back of my spine. How I caressed your naked body and traced the outline of your bones. Those stunning features I will never forget. The valley that forms in between your ribs and the way your hip bone protruded. Most of all, the safety I felt when I had you wrapped around me. The way I breathed you in as if I’m taking a part of your soul with me. And the way I wanted my fingers completely and absolutely tangled up in yours, not ever having to let them go.

My mind was clouded with images of you throughout my trip home. It didn’t feel like coming home at all. It felt like we were parting ways, and I suppose we have. I used to know what you were doing every minute of the day and now I’m clueless. Lost. I am left to sit in uncertainty and wondering if you even think of me anymore.

And all the times we shared, did that not mean anything to you? The way the weight of your body fell on me and how your arms curled under me as we moved in closer. Maybe in the end, they will just be distant memories. Faint and hazy.

I will forever not know where home is. I will forever not belong.

I’m really confused. One year ago, I had no doubts about loving you. One year later, today, I don’t know what love is

All I know is I like being with you. I like holding your hand, I like having your hugs, I like tasting your kisses. I like singing along with you. I like sitting next to you, driving down long highways. I like walking next to you. I like hearing your voice. I like getting lost in your eyes. I like watching you sleep. I like rubbing your nose. I like tracing the features on your face. I like stroking your skin. I like wrapping my legs around yours.

I really, really like you.

But where does this take us? Nowhere. We’re always going to be separated by time differences and state lines. The miles that run forever on long dusty roads.

There’s nothing to fight for here and I’m not sure if I’m used to that. I’ve always had to hurt for the things I love. But with you, I don’t know what it’s like to hurt. You make it so easy and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad one.

But I know the things I’d do and give up to have one more day with you. One more day to see you and hold you and tell how much I really really like you.

They say that it’s all temporary. They say I’ll meet other people. Different people. But when I’m with you, I really don’t feel like meeting anyone else. I’m happy with just you.

I will be in this as long as you are still in it, Corey.

My first taste of this season came when I was 19. This place held so many new experiences and adventures for me. Everything I laid my eyes upon felt magical. The cars, the weather, the people, the place.

But today, I sit outside on a cluttered balcony, I can’t help but feel lost. If this place doesn’t make me feel like home, and the place I come from doesn’t feel that way either, is there anywhere in this world where I can feel like I can belong?

I just want a moment where I am infinitely happy. Where my heart races with passion instead of fear.

I am not complaining and today, I am not heartbroken. Merely– lost.

I wonder if people often feel this way about life. Do you come to a dead end, facing a huge brick wall and not know how to climb over it?

I don’t know what I am looking for really. I am not looking for love or a relationship. Perhaps, just company in this foreign land. But then again, I cannot blame the place because I think I’ve been lonely all my life.

Loneliness strikes in the midst of standing among a thousand people.

I feel like sleeping my days away and getting lost in dreams that reflect the things I want deep down. Friends, company, fun.

It’s a beautiful day. But every beautiful day I have, I spend it alone, drowning myself with my own words that will one day take it’s toll on me. I feel like I am poison, with venom coursing through my veins and the words I utter are deadly. Only to myself of course.

I don’t know where this is leading me but it feels right. It feels nice. Every time my fingers hit the key, I feel like I’m dancing and another chip of my burden leaves my body. I do not know if I can stop and I do not know if I want to.

Maybe it’s best that I do not stop.

I feel sorry for dragging so many different people into the mess I have created for myself. It is unfair for them but I have done so anyway. I am sorry for the many souls I have hurt. Am I really? Probably not.

I have created myself into a monster that I think is beautiful. But who says monsters have to be ugly? I know the things I am doing. I am not ignorant; hardly. I am very aware of the actions I take and I do it anyway.

So yes, I am cheap and dirty and very much used. But it does not matter. If that is my worth, then I will live to it. I will not pretend to be gold when I am just copper.

And so, as the sun sets tonight, I will quietly go inside and just sink into silence.

I wish I had something I was living for right now. I need some sort of drive or goal.

I need a new life.

Take off your shirt. Show me something you have. I wanna know what it feels like. What do you want to do to me?

It is grotesque.

And it is frustrating. I don’t want to go through this ordeal anymore. Why can’t I just have something normal? A small compliment, some witty words.

Why does it always have to be dirty?

Why do I always have to bite the bait dangled and suffer the hurt.

I want out of this game. I want out of this madness.

It sickens me.

—

In her head, she sees it.

It is clear in her head. White cotton dress, warm summer night, big bright moon, by the beach. Sun kissed skin, damp hair, flushed cheek.

She holds him by his finger, and twirls underneath it. Over and over and over again, she spins until the ocean and the moon spins with her. She giggles out loud and he presses her onto himself. She can hear his heart beating in her ears.

They are alive.

I miss you so badly. And though I hate having to see you, it’s the only thing I live for every other day.

This is how much it hurts to love.

I cannot. I can’t imagine how I’m going to be without you.

But as of now, you’re already living without me.

The only thing I can think of is: I miss you.

We’ve all gone down that path and I am of no exception.

I think I gave my heart to a person who’s reckless with everything in life. I am crying today not because he dropped it, but because I misjudged him for a person who would’ve held it instead.

I have made wrong choices.

The truth is, I don’t know you. The truth is, you made up this perfect image for me to fall into.

You fucking hypocrite. You’ve put me through so much guilt and self-loathe and hurt. What are you?

I am getting out of this. Slowly, painfully but surely. The world will see you for who you really are. Maybe one day, someone will love you as you are.

But it won’t be me.

I am angry at you, at myself. The consequences, I will bear. The hurt that’s been engraved so deep inside I will bear.

It will all come to pass.

Tonight, it’s failing.

I can’t let go just yet. I can’t let go when I am in mid-air. I want to give you one last kiss and stroke you face one last time. I want to tell you it’s going to be okay. There will be someone to love you and you will feel special. You will do great because I have faith in you. I’ve always had all the faith in the world in you.

But where are you tonight, I don’t know. Where are you now. I don’t know. What happened in that few hours when I heard your voice to the silence. I miss you, so much.

I don’t know how to let you go. You were my world. I just wish you were here. I wish I could see your number flash across one last time. Hold me, one last time and tell me it’s going to be okay.

What’s going on?!

Don’t leave me to plummet to my own death alone.